I really wanted to write a long post about Carlos Beltran tonight. Had it all mapped out, with a fairy tale artifice: the Mets as a struggling village of well-meaning folk; the Rockies as marauders.

Then it got me thinking of that Japanese story about the bear that terrorized a village, and their salvation lying in the skill of a grizzled drunk hunter, who’d tangled with the bear before. Yellow Fang? Something.

But truth be told, it’s late, and I’m too tired to engage in crafting conceit. It’s the first week in ages that I’ve spent entirely at the office. I’ve had a brutal stiff neck that has yet to respond to heat, and I can’t get a massage for dumb yet important reasons. And an event which took place earlier in the week makes me want to hunt down a certain clueless driver in western Massachusetts with a baseball bat, and show him what a ground-rule double means in South Brooklyn.

So no. Let’s keep this simple and effective:

Carlos Beltran hit three home runs today. In doing so, he tied Mike Piazza for second on the Mets’ all-time multi-HR game list with 17, needing five more to catch Darryl Strawberry (though Beltran will never hit nine against Shelbyville). He carried the Mets to a series win against a team that swept them at home, which if I recall was the start of bad feeling this season. It’s when I started feeling shitty, anyway.

Carlos Beltran hit three home runs against the Colorado Rockies, shutting up a pain in the ass heckler in the seventh and a half-full stadium in the ninth. Carlos Beltran of the bad knees and generous, if wholly earned, contract. Carlos Beltran hit three 2-run bombs, to left, right, and center, from both sides of the plate.

Carlos Fucking Beltran.

And then he skinned Dinger, the Rockies mascot, wore his hide through the Denver rain to the highest spot in the city, and decried the hubris that led to the construction of a ballpark so close to the heavens.

“Only heroes may venture so high,” he announced in a booming baritone that shook the very souls of men and made women quiver. “Only heroes. And they must first ask permission.”

Somewhere, his toy poodles sleep soundly. I shall do the same.