Many thanks to those who posted links to this list and are directly responsible for 95% of the traffic to this blog over the past month: Ted Berg of SNY and TedQuarters, Joe Budd of Amazin’ Avenue, and Matt Cerrone of MetsBlog.
Stay classy, gentlemen, just like this guy right here:
1. John Olerud lives life one day at a time.
2. John Olerud always tips twenty percent, and always gives one hundred percent.
3.
Smoked turkey is too fancy for John Olerud. He’ll just have a
half-pound of the regular, at whatever thickness the slicer’s set to.
Thanks.
4. John Olerud overpaid his taxes between the years 2002 and 2004.
5. John Olerud was kind and compassionate when urging Mr. Met to enter rehab for his Pepsi addiction.
6.
The trash at the Olerud house is put out the morning of pick-up, and
not the night before, so as not to obstruct the sidewalk for
pedestrians.
7. John Olerud has a pleasant singing voice.
8. John Olerud knows what time it is. He also knows what time it isn’t.
9. If you’ve forgotten a birthday, don’t worry: John Olerud remembers.
10. John Olerud appreciates the complicated-yet-always-warm family dynamic portrayed in the ’80’s sitcom Family Ties.
11. John Olerud folds his socks.
12. Back in 1992, John Olerud had a white wine spritzer.
13. John Olerud loves his mother.
14.
John Olerud dabs off the excess oil on his pizza slices with a couple
of napkins. He’s not shy–he’ll do the same for yours too, if you want.
15. John Olerud finds hilarious the fact that you think he has an evil, mustache-twirling twin named “Spencer.”
16. John Olerud holds the record for most puppies donated to loving, caring homes.
17. John Olerud was once featured on Hollywood Squares. He was in the lower left corner, after trading with attention-starved Andy Dick for center.
18. John Olerud also loves his father.
19.
John Olerud didn’t beat his brain aneurysm; he had a frank and reasoned
discussion with the ailment, and it was mutually decided that it would
not trouble him further.
20. John Olerud collects bird houses.
21. John Olerud loves Seattle, but never got that whole “grunge” thing. Flannels are meant to be functional, not fashionable.
22. Message left for John Rocker at hotel on October 17th, 1999:
“Hey,
John, it’s John, from last night. Just want to tell you, y’know, no
hard feelings, about the bottom of the eighth, there. Y’know, it’s
baseball. Anyway, I know things have been rough for you and I know
it’s a tough town in general, to say nothing of when two big teams are
fighting to get to the Big Show… yeah. Just wanted to say you should
keep your chin up. Don’t–don’t let all the name calling get you
down. It’s just all hot tops and nuts when it should be smiles and
high-fives, y’know? All right–someone here needs to use the phone.
Anyway, good luck later. Good talk; keep truckin’. It’s John Olerud,
by the way. Okay. Bye.”
23. The term “grand slam” doesn’t exist for John Olerud. He prefers “four-run hit.”
24. John Olerud bought the third Saturn four-door ever made. Matthew Broderick and Kenny Loggins bought the first two.
25.
John Olerud doesn’t mind being six-foot-five. He’s just sorry he keeps
inconveniencing those helpful department store clerks trying to help
him find slacks.
26. John Olerud enjoys the game of checkers.
27. John Olerud also knows these can’t all be winners.
28. Bo knows baseball. Bo knows football. John Olerud doesn’t claim to be an expert in anything.
29. John Olerud would never violate the sacred trust that is the HOV lane.
30. John Olerud sends Joe McIlvane a Christmas card every holiday season.
31. John Olerud’s fine with boneless Buffalo wings, if everyone else at the table is.
32. John Olerud applauds the platypus for its originality.
33. When he was nine, John Olerud built a tree house all by himself. It included a laundry room.
34. John Olerud has a normal, everyday sneeze.
35. John Olerud reads his junk mail. If they took the time to send it, he can take the time to read it.
36. There’s no “i” in “team.” There’s also no “i” in “John Olerud.”
37. John Olerud needs only about six-point-seven hours of sleep per night.
38. Yes, John Olerud knows who Chuck Norris is. He doesn’t get why you’re laughing, but he’s glad you’re happy.
39.
John Olerud doesn’t understand why Geico insists on picking on
cavemen. They were a necessary step in Man’s evolution, and should be
celebrated.
40. The first rule of John Olerud is “You do not talk about John Olerud.”
There is no second rule; he trusts you to get the message the first
time.
41. Yes, John Olerud also knows who Matt Wieters is. Now he’s really confused.
42. John Olerud is proud of his humility.
43. Boats aren’t for John Olerud. Boats make waves.
44. If the answer is “John Olerud,” the question is probably, “Won’t anyone help me move this weekend?”
45. When John Olerud gets steamed–REALLY steamed–he could just hit something.
…But he doesn’t.
…And then the moment passes.
46. During Career Day at his son’s elementary school, John Olerud showed the kids how to turn a potato into a battery.
47. John Olerud pees standing up.
48. John Olerud wanted this list sorted into discrete categories, and indexed for reference.
49. Brown sugar on oatmeal? Heck, John Olerud will try anything once.
50. John Olerud does have
a pulse, but he appreciates the humor of the sentiment. He would,
however, not mind it if you unhooked him from the EKG machine.
51. During his playing years, John Olerud’s nickname was “John Garrett Olerud.”
52. John Olerud has no comment on blown post-season umpiring calls. He won’t even grant the premise.
53. After games, John Olerud always insisted on doing his own laundry. Occasionally, he would also do Edgardo Alfonzo’s.
54. John Olerud avoids using the word “moist,” because it sounds so inappropriate.
55. John Olerud isn’t really afraid of anything. But spiders do kinda give him the creeps.
56.
Before each game, John Olerud always took some time to himself: a
steaming cup of cocoa, a slice of pound cake, and the “Arts &
Leisure” section. He recommends this to “anyone looking for ways to,
uh, dominate.”
57. John Olerud enjoys the utility and versatility of the paper clip.
58. John Olerud placed third in the 1994 National Skip-It! Competition.
59. One word: boxers.
60. John Olerud splits a timeshare in Palm Harbor, Florida, with Joseph and Russell Simmons.
61. Like Keith Olbermann, John Olerud has six lumbar vertebrae and thus too much backbone.
62.
When the going gets tough, John Olerud develops a step-by-step action
plan to get going in a smart, straightforward, and efficacious manner.
63. Bobby Bonilla and John Olerud once had to share a hotel room. Olerud woke up the following morning with a Spanish word scrawled on his forehead in black magic marker. Bonilla maintains to this day that he was just submitting his breakfast order.
64.
There exists a Bizzaro John Olerud. He’s a journeyman relief pitcher,
and closed out the year with the Wisconsin Timber Rattlers.
65. John Olerud’s actually always found a pretty broad line between Love and Hate.
66.
In the past, John Olerud has been involved in several real-life dramas
seemingly pulled from the pages of an action-thriller screenplay.
Once, he was trapped in an L.A. high-rise with a group of European
thieves pulling a high-stakes con and robbery. He called the police
and informed them of the ruse in short order.
All hostages
were released without incident. The criminals are awaiting trial.
John Olerud has since declined to ride in limousines driven by young
men named Argyle.
67. John Olerud can grow facial hair. He just prefers not to.
68.
Someone once called John Olerud “the alpha and omega.” He replied, “I’d
rather be known as the Mu and the Nu.” They didn’t get it. [Hell, I
wrote it, and even I don’t get it.]
69. John Olerud invented toe socks.
70. John Olerud’s never had a cavity. Separately: two years ago his dentist suffered a nervous breakdown.
71. John Olerud once experimented with putting his pants on both legs at
the same time. It wasn’t for him. He’s since returned to the
“one-leg-at-a-time” method.
72. Message left on Derek Jeter’s voice mail the morning of October 18th, 2004:
“Hey,
Derek, it’s John Olerud. Been playing first base for the Yankees for a
while this year. Listen, I know it’s kind of a shame that I hurt my
foot during Game Three, and Game Four wasn’t so hot. But Tony’s gonna
get it done. I’m… yeah, I’m actually pretty confident in Clark. I
mean, I was no great shakes in Game Three. And if he somehow doesn’t
get it done or Dougie doesn’t get it done, I’m sure Alex and Jorge and
Gary’ll provide some pop for you. Anyway, no way that Game Four
business happens again. With the batting and the fielding and the
pitching the team’s got, it’s golden. Anyway, I know it’s three games
to one, but I don’t wanna count my chickens. Here’s just hoping Game
Five’s a good one, right?
“Oh, heck: by the way, I didn’t see
Tom or Mariano at the hotel before I left. Tell them I ran into
Esteban, and he’s looking not so hot, so they gotta lock it down. Just
have a bad feeling; if it goes into extra innings, don’t count on him.
Okay? All right. See you later. It’s John Olerud, by the way.
Okay. Bye.”
73. John Olerud fills his car with mid-test gasoline.
74. John Olerud is an avid songwriter, publishing under the pseudonym Michael Bolton.
75. John Olerud is man enough to cry.
76. John Olerud never used pine tar on his bat. He preferred to hit “au naturel.”
77. John Olerud maintains that the best defense not only consists of a good offense, but also a sparkling defense.
78. For John Olerud, honesty is not the best policy. It’s the ONLY policy.
79. John Olerud never hangs a picture without first sinking an anchor for safety.
80. The following textiles have not, nor will ever be, “with” John Olerud: burlap, denim, lace, silk, satin, or leather.
81.
John Olerud is a fierce competitor, but is glad he was never an Aztec
warrior. Those guys drank the blood of their enemies, for Pete’s sake.
82. John Olerud has never told a “yo momma” joke.
83. John Olerud finds the capitalization rules of the German language straightforward and easy to comprehend.
84. Every night, John Olerud polishes his sneakers to a high shine.
85. For John Olerud, baseball is ninety percent mental; the other ten percent is physical.
86. John Olerud has never had “bed head.”
87. No, John Olerud knows exactly what you mean by “that thing with the
cherry stem.” He’ll thank you not to do it, especially in this diner,
where there are families present.
88. John Olerud had his Achilles’ heel surgically removed in April, 1992.
89. John Olerud never check-raises; that’s bush league.
90.
There are no skeletons in John Olerud’s closet; only things he keeps in
there are shirts, slacks, suits, and a replica Fonzie jacket someone
gave him as a joke for his thirtieth birthday.
91. John Olerud asked that his third Gold Glove instead be dipped in less-ostentatious bronze.
92. Whenever asked to find a needle in a haystack, John Olerud breaks out his case of magnets.
93. John Olerud dots his “i”s with a baseball.
94. John Olerud eats his Pez with a fork.
95. John Olerud decorates his home for all major federal holidays, including Presidents Day.
96. Yes, John Olerud agrees: Greedo shoots first. (If you say so.)
97.
John Olerud has never gone off half-cocked, fully-cocked, or any such
position on that scale. This is like mentioning the thing with the
cherry stem, and he’s starting to get peeved.
98. John Olerud
never cancels without calling first to explain his situation, and offer
a rain check for a specific date and time.
99. John Olerud would never take a victory lap. Victory is its own lap.
100.
John Olerud often sleeps the sleep of the satisfied. Then there’s the
occasional Burrito Night, when he sleeps the sleep of the dyspeptic.
101. John Olerud hopes you’ve had a good time. Now get the hell off his lawn.
omniality
Section Five Twenty-Eight 