I’m breaking this up into parts; reading the whole list might kill you.
NEW: click here for numbers 76-101.
This week, numbers 1 through 25:
1. John Olerud lives life one day at a time.
2. John Olerud always tips twenty percent, and always gives one hundred percent.
3. Smoked turkey is too fancy for John Olerud. He’ll just have a half-pound of the regular, at whatever thickness the slicer’s set to. Thanks.
4. John Olerud overpaid his taxes between the years 2002 and 2004.
5. John Olerud was kind and compassionate when urging Mr. Met to enter rehab for his Pepsi addiction.
6. The trash at the Olerud house is put out the morning of pick-up, and not the night before, so as not to obstruct the sidewalk for pedestrians.
7. John Olerud has a pleasant singing voice.
8. John Olerud knows what time it is. He also knows what time it isn’t.
9. If you’ve forgotten a birthday, don’t worry: John Olerud remembers.
10. John Olerud appreciates the complicated-yet-always-warm family dynamic portrayed in the ’80′s sitcom Family Ties.
11. John Olerud folds his socks.
12. Back in 1992, John Olerud had a white wine spritzer.
13. John Olerud loves his mother.
14. John Olerud dabs off the excess oil on his pizza slices with a couple of napkins. He’s not shy–he’ll do the same for yours too, if you want.
15. John Olerud finds hilarious the fact that you think he has an evil, mustache-twirling twin named “Spencer.”
16. John Olerud holds the record for most puppies donated to loving, caring homes.
17. John Olerud was once featured on Hollywood Squares. He was in the lower left corner, after trading with attention-starved Andy Dick for center.
18. John Olerud also loves his father.
19. John Olerud didn’t beat his brain aneurysm; he had a frank and reasoned discussion with the ailment, and it was mutually decided that it would not trouble him further.
20. John Olerud collects bird houses.
21. John Olerud loves Seattle, but never got that whole “grunge” thing. Flannels are meant to be functional, not fashionable.
22. Message left for John Rocker at hotel on October 17th, 1999:
“Hey, John, it’s John, from last night. Just want to tell you, y’know, no hard feelings, about the bottom of the eighth, there. Y’know, it’s baseball. Anyway, I know things have been rough for you and I know it’s a tough town in general, to say nothing of when two big teams are fighting to get to the Big Show… yeah. Just wanted to say you should keep your chin up. Don’t–don’t let all the name calling get you down. It’s just all hot tops and nuts when it should be smiles and high-fives, y’know? All right–someone here needs to use the phone. Anyway, good luck later. Good talk; keep truckin’. It’s John Olerud, by the way. Okay. Bye.”
23. The term “grand slam” doesn’t exist for John Olerud. He prefers “four-run hit.”
24. John Olerud bought the third Saturn four-door ever made. Matthew Broderick and Kenny Loggins bought the first two.
25. John Olerud doesn’t mind being six-foot-five. He’s just sorry he keeps inconveniencing those helpful department store clerks trying to help him find slacks.