There’s a woman named Patricia McCann who provides product and service endorsements on radio commercials in the New York area. She often introduces herself about a third of the way, and often off-handedly:
 
“…And they never get their whitest! Patricia McCann; good morning. But I’ve discovered new Stop-N-Glow, the first bleaching system that works while you wear your whites!”
 
I didn’t grow up listening to radio, so it took me a Google search–and about a week to remember, post-ablutions, to DO the Google search–to find out that she was a staple on WOR radio, and that she in fact comes from radio people.
 
I’m still not buying Stop-N-Glow.  Paul Vargas; good morning.  Your nominees for post-season contention are:
 
NL East: Philadelphia Phillies
NL Central: St. Louis Cardinals
NL West: Los Angeles Dodgers
NL Wild Card: Colorado Rockies
 
AL East: New York Yankees
AL Central: Minnesota Twins
AL West: Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
AL Wild Card: Boston Red Sox
 
What follows is a breakdown of wishes for World Series success, and NOT an analysis of who’ll actually win. This is the wrong place to go for handicapping.
 
I’d be excited to watch a post-season in which the Twins managed to win it all. It smacks of bandwagonism, but I watched the tie-breaker last night (from Top 7 on) and was captivated. That Nick Punto’s heads-up.
 
They play the Yankees to open, and I’m on record as saying I love a parade. I really have no beef with the Yankees if they pull this one out. I hope the Twins at least make a series of it, but I’m good with either of them coming out alive. Again, excited if the Twins make a successful run, but not devastated if they don’t.
 
With that in mind, it’s difficult to order the rest. Generally I seek mercenary justice against those teams who knock my horse out. In 2007 I rooted for the Indians as a favor to my friend from Cleveland, and the Yankees series they played was a bonding experience, as was the unfortunate Red Sox series. But this year, without major beef either way, I’ll have to wait to see who comes out of the Yankees-Twins bout victorious before I go that route.
 
Really, the only reasonable thing to do is pick the rest by ascending order of hatred. 
 
This’ll be fun.
 
Colorado Rockies: Spilborghs’s jerkitude is counter-balanced
by Clint Barmes’s keeping his head down and mouth relatively shut; I’m
talking about that game against the Cardinals in which Barmes didn’t
catch the ball on the run. Also, Jim Tracy is a shining example of what
a manager can do when the former manager is booted mid-season.

Boston Red Sox: Boston fans are fun to talk with on the whole.
Knowledgeable folks, for the most part; battle-hardened. I presume that
there are more like them outside of Bukowski Tavern; I only really know
the ones INSIDE Bukowski Tavern.

Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim: dumb name, but generally un-gross. Additionally, some fun in rooting for these guys at Pacific Standard, which is a West Coast leaning bar that enjoys the Oakland Athletics. It’s like rooting for the cat in a game of cat-and-mouse.
 
Los Angeles Dodgers: it’s getting lean. I have nothing exciting to say about the Dodgers. Neither good nor bad. That Alyssa Milano really took to the game. How’s that?
 
St. Louis Cardinals: Yadier Molina has farty pants. I’ve said this. Why haven’t you been paying attention?
 
Philadelphia Phillies: My list of grievances against the Phillies, their fans, and the city of Philadelphia is long and infuriating.
 
Shane Victorino is a mess. Cole Hamels speaks of choking without respect for his own team’s abominable history. Jimmy Rollins should have a fine enough time trying to square the circle on calling his team the one to beat and growing irritated at on-field celebrations. That they got to the postseason those years is irrelevant; he’s talking out of both sides of his mouth.
 
I have seen physical assaults of Mets fans by Phillies fans, including one truly awful incident in which several Phillies fans surrounded a teenage Mets fan in a. Shea bathroom on September 15th, 2007. I don’t like teenagers, but it took me and twice as many Mets fans to get the teenager free from the circle and shove the Phillies fans OUT of the bathroom and into the arms of security. Bruises along my arms and back were not what I wanted for my birthday.
 
burn.jpgI’d be remiss if I didn’t at least mention what becomes of some Mets fans when Phillies fans come to town. 

To the left is a photo snapped after a victory against the Phillies on June 9th of this year.
 
A group of Phillies fans came to Citi Field and harassed Mets fans in Section 532 or 533; forget which exactly, but to Section 528’s left, directly above the left field wall.
 
After three hours of abuse, a couple of visits by security, and an eventual Mets win, the Phillies group wound down the left field ramp followed by the Mets fans, and one jerk stole a Phillies “2008” championship banner from them.  He was encircled by other Mets fans, who chanted “Burn that s***! Burn that s***!”
 
That’s a photo of that s***, indeed, being burned. It’s blurry because I was shoved out of the way by a cop as I took it.
 
I’ve seen each of the Mets’ other rivals in the parks; I’ve seen victories, I’ve seen losses. I’ve never seen anything like that, and it’s inexcusable. There’s no call for harassment on either side.
 
The city itself is unfriendly, as a municipal enterprise. I was once cursed at by a Philadelphia traffic cop. And I took the TRAIN in.
 
“Excuse me, but do you think I own that car?”
 “I told you: move it out the f****** way or it’s gettin’ towed!”
 “Ma’am, it’s not my car.  See that Amtrak station? I just got off the TRAIN.”
 ::Owner arrives to move double-parked car:: “Whoa, whoa–don’t write the ticket!”
 “Move your car!”
 
Philadelphia, you’ve shown me nothing that makes you deserving of any kind of championship. In fact, everything I’ve seen shows you as standing in the way of human progress.  You’re blowing it for the rest of us.
 
The banner burning is an example of what happens when you’re allowed to congregate in groups larger than four, and leave your city’s limits. 
 
Tend to your own house.  Come out when you’re ready to play nice.

Recapping my preferred order of World Series victors:

–Minnesota Twins/New York Yankees
–Colorado Rockies
–Boston Red Sox
–Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
–Los Angeles Dodgers
–St. Louis Cardinals
–a bottle of Yukon Jack
–a tumor
–TEN tumors
–two tumors
–the penitent ghost of Joseph Stalin
–Philadelphia Phillies

I’ll take any and all hate mail at omniality [at] hotmail [dot] com.  I will most likely read it then delete it (same goes for any hateful comments left here), but feel free to send it.

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